My life is a constant struggle.

2:20am: a blessing in disguise.
there's been another storm in my little teacup life, but i like how things are now and i feel like i'm in a good place. *smiles* it's through times like this that i remember how blessed i am, to have family and good friends who stand by me through all sorts of crap that come my way, and of course, people who try their damnedest to get me down. credit to them for putting in the effort to make me stronger, and yes, thank you, i have emerged stronger, and wiser.

thank you baby, for always being here, for trying your best to protect me from the harsh reality of life. and of course, i really like the prezzie you bought for me. *winks* 

i'm hitting the sheets. night, and love to all those who matter.

5:51pm: at least you tried.

i must say that i'm quite flattered to know that i'm important enough for some people to check out my blog and scour it for insults to them. *gleeful* 

now, to grant their masochistic desires for more, i shall kindly oblige! 

well, firstly, for all your machinations, ms i-am-a-saint-i-never-slammed-prof-not-even-once-i-am-an-angel, i am happy with the grade i was awarded cos it was what i deserved and it's likely more than what YOU got. you are a young mature adult of 25 years and technically my elder, yet, you continue to indulge in juvenile and petty personal insults against me, in the fervent hope that maybe, finally, someone would have the intellectual capacity that you possess, and take you seriously. unfortunately, that is not happening quite so soon. next time, try harder. 

credits to you though, for you did score in shocking me and many others with the rock bottom level you could sink to, and the way you lied through your teeth, or made statements that you had absolutely no inkling about, simply because you weren't around or participated enough. now, i wonder, who was the one trying to cover her ass ( and a fat one at that) and who needs to learn some work ethics and karma? usually, i wouldn't be such a biatch, but when you're facing a delusional bitch utterly incapable of handling things in a mature and professional way, this is what you have to do. you must have felt really accomplished after completing the peer evaluation. but you underestimate the prof, thinking he is blind, deaf and dumb. well, too bad you thought wrong. because the prof knows the truth; the one that you tried so hard to twist and distort. 

so many big words you used on me, selfish, self-centred, procrastinated, demoralised, victimised, pretentious, conniving. yet, i'd say almost all these words could be applied to you, except maybe victimised and demoralised. that is something you wouldn't be, because whatever treatment you got, you most probably deserved it. and the biggest irony is not that i, supposedly with the lousy interpersonal skills, is doing a second major in human resource, but you, the one whom everyone knows to be severely lacking in a sense of responsbility, a respect for deadlines, good work ethics and attitude, is saying i need to understand work ethics. how laughable is that? even my toes are amused!

thanks for the advice, but i think i know more about friendship, team spirit, and most importantly, karma, than you could ever know. you're so pathetic because on the surface, you seem to have many things, but ultimately, you lack even more. 

now, for ms i-am-such-a-poor-thing-i-was-victimised-by-yilin-on-msn, you're more slippery than a snake. you act all noble and self-sacrificial, and your forte lies in trying to push the blame to others. come on, you're old enough to know what responsibility means, so why can't you act your age? you disgust me as much, if not more, than i disgust you. and why would i have any respect for someone who is ugly on the outside, and empty inside? since a long time ago, i'd already decided i didn't want anything to do with you, beyond this project. so the feeling is mutual. for all your accusations about me being superficial, or a master of bootlicking, i think you're just jealous. and you keep thinking that the prof is stupid, that he couldn't see through my putting myself "in good light". and if i really did want to and tried so hard to get into everyone's good books, why not yours? i find it all so self-contradictory when you insist that i'm a frank person, sometimes to the point of being blunt, and yet, on the other hand, you're saying i am now the direct opposite of that? you need to make up your mind and decide your stand. 

to the both of you, thank you for implying that i have such influence, especially over jal and chong heng. but it is an insult to them, cos you assume that they're brainless, with no minds and judgement of their own. and if i did have such influence, and was good at bootlicking the prof, now, don't you think that i have excellent interpersonal skills to be so successful at manipulation? you both are so full of contradictions and lies i wonder if you can even keep track of all of it. *sigh* what pitiful creatures.  

having said all these, i hope i have satisfied all your desires. i wish you all the best in your future. *cheers*

2:07am: counting down.
time just zooms pass when you're busy. school is really hectic; swamped by all the projects, assignments, presentations, reports, debate, etc. somehow, i'm still hanging in there. barely. i am so looking forward to 4 weeks later, when we'll be jetting of to the Fragrant Harbour. *cheers*

saw the dental surgeon on monday for root canal treatment. she numbed the area with anaesthesia, drilled a hole at the back of the tooth, cleaned out all the pus and gross stuff, then medicated it and put in a temporary filling. i'll be seeing her again in 2 weeks' time for the 2nd round of antibiotics. so far, it's ok, just that the jab was kinda painful. had another visit with the orthodontist on friday and he tightened my lower braces again. other than a little achiness, it's still bearable. the good news is, he said that in a month or 2, i should be able to have the upper braces removed. but then, i'll have to wear a retainer for about 2 years. *sigh* i guess that's the price of wanting to look good. 

finally got my hands on the handbag from Japan! it's really pretty, and i must thank Lester for having such good taste. it really suits me, ha! 

gotta hit the sheets now cos i've to go back to school later for a meeting. yes, school on a sunday is pathetic. but that is nothing unusual for us SMU people. i've even gone back to school for meetings on a public holiday, so what's one weekend? 

night everyone, sweet dreams.

12:40am: i will take it all in stride.

bad news today. i saw my orthodontist today cos of a bad gum infection. he did an x-ray for me and the results weren't good. i've another dead tooth. previously, i'd thought that things would be ok after extracting the chipped tooth. but i guess that wasn't the only affected one. so this has come back to haunt me again. of course, i can't just take it out. if i did, i'd be without a bottom front tooth. *horrors* so well, the only option is to do a root canal, so that i can preserve that tooth, and most probably, the one next to it also. *sigh* my teeth problems have been the bane of my existence since like, forever. i have nightmares about losing them all the time. it is just so utterly depressing. *sigh*

anyway, some belated good news. i'll be going to HK with my family in dec. the last time i was there was with them too, about 9 years ago. yes, i know it's a long time to not have gone to HK again. whatever it is, i'm very excited about it, partly also cos we'll be flying SQ, which i haven't in like, 7 years! last year's flights to and from Shanghai on China Eastern Airlines were pretty bad, cos the cabin was stuffy and the seats are really cramped, just like budget airlines like Tiger, etc. i never wanna take that again. so yeah, i'm really looking forward to the trip in 6 weeks' time. that's like the only thing sustaining me now, for without it, i don't know how i'd get pass these gruelling weeks. 

school is hectic, but it is not necessarily a bad thing. the crappiest thing is that we have a really nasty fyp supervisor. i could go on and on about what an asshole he is, blah blah. but i'm quite weary of his nonsense, and it's just not worth it getting upset again by such a f**ker, so i shall not go into details. 

surprisingly, despite the workload of the Doing Business in China module being quite heavy, i still find myself enjoying it. maybe cos the Prof tries really hard to make the classes interesting for us, and even though it's hard work writing reports with thousands of words in Chinese, i feel a deep sense of satisfaction and happiness doing it. i guess it is also partly due to the fact that my groupmates are pretty nice people who're understanding and value you. i feel quite blessed to be doing projects with them.

in contrast, my fyp groupmates are as bad as these other groupmates are good. they could be even worse. but i'm learning not to let all their negativity get to me. having completed the coding for one function all by myself this past weekend, i'm feeling quite accomplished. at least now, i don't feel stupid. and i know that if i tried, i could do whatever i set my mind to. 

ok, to end on a last good note, more good news. i'll be getting my first "branded" handbag! ok, maybe Burberry Blue Label is not that "branded" like Gucci, Prada, LV or Hermes, but i think it's a start. many thanks to my wonderful boyfriend, who very kindly sponsored it. i am a happy trooper! the only bad thing is, i think i'm becoming a brand whore with this newest acquisition. yikes. i've never really hankered after branded goods growing up or even in my teens. until now. but it might not be long before you start hearing about me starving to get that LV handbag that costs a month's salary. *sigh* i will try to restrain myself. the key word is "try". oh well.

alrighty. time to hit the sheets. much love to all those who matter. till next time when the mood to blog strikes me again.

3:03am: 那年我们十五岁。

曾经是那么熟悉的语言和文字。可是，从中学毕业以后就变得那么的陌生。这些年来，我只用华语来和家人和朋友沟通，但据大部分还是说英语。毕竟，我已经很习惯了。最近，因为选择了一个以华语沟通的课程，所以又开始接触这个母语。其实我一直都很喜欢华文和华语，也特别偏爱写华文字，只是使用的机会少了，现在也变得陌生了。看到朋友在博客上实用华语来分享他们的感受，也令我心血来潮，想要用这些文字来表达，希望能够重拾昔日的应用能力。

大前天，我和靖元刚度过了在一起的第八周年。我们是在十五岁那年认识的。那时，我们念中三，刚好同班。也不知道是怎么开始的。就这样，八年过去了。从念中学，到理工学院，直到现在，我在念大学，他已经开始工作，这八年里，我们经历了不少。有哭，有笑。虽然这一路走来，一点也不容易，但我很庆幸，能够有他陪伴在我身边。

因为十月一日是在星期一，所以我们改在它的前一天庆祝。今年的节目由靖元来安排。于是，他就带我到动物园去。因为我已经好久好久都没到那里去了。虽然在六月的时候，因为实习的公司在那里办了个活动，所以有去参观了一下，但因为时间的关系，也没机会好好的游一番。星期天终于有机会了，而且，这也是非常不同的体会，因为是第一次和自己的另一半到那里去。那天，天气有点热。但我们还是非常开心，也很兴奋。和儿时相比，我有不同的体会。动物园，和以前比起来，有相同，但却也有所改变。动物的种类多了，我也看到以前没看过的白虎，还有许久都没看到的长颈鹿和狮子，还有北极熊。虽然太阳有点晒，还被蚊子叮，但我们还是玩得很尽兴。

之后，靖元带我到无招牌海鲜去吃螃蟹。我发现他最近细心了很多，也很疼我。让我感觉有点不习惯。但我还是很感动。因为他不是很喜欢吃螃蟹，但因为我说要吃，他就带我去。其实，我发现无招牌海鲜的辣椒螃蟹并不是很好吃。只是普普通通罢了。我反而觉得妈妈煮的还比较适合我的胃口。Jumbo Seafood 的也很不错。

晚餐过后，我们就在滨海艺术中心那儿坐一会儿，吹吹海风，聊聊天，很开心，很甜蜜。最后，因为我这个馋嘴猫还想吃甜品，所以我们就去Liang Seah Street 的记得吃吃花生糊和芒果西米露。满足了我的食欲之后，就回家了。

宝贝，我真得很开心有你陪我度过这些日子。谢谢你一直都在我身边，给我鼓励，支持我，照顾我，保护我。我很珍惜我们的感情。希望未来的日子里，我们还能有很多的八年，并且一起走完我们人生的道路。Happy 8th Anniversary, Baby.

12:11am: contemplative.
time just flies by. sometimes when i look back, i wonder where it went. secondary school and poly days feel like eons ago. in the twinkle of an eye, i will be graduating in less than a year. it feels rather surreal. terence and i will be celebrating 8 years together this weekend. 8 years. more than a third of my life. people come and go. yet, other than my family, he has been the only constant in my life this past years. he's been with me through laughter, through tears, through anger, through anguish, through fear. and so much more. he's held me when i cried, laughed with me, sometimes even cried with me. the days we spent in batam, were some of the best of my life. sleeping next to him, knowing i am safe with him beside me. i fell asleep almost immediately both nights that we were there. there have been ups and downs, but i am glad that he is here for me. he and my family are the main sources of strength for me, and are the reason why i am still this cheerful, resilient person, even after some pretty trying times in the recent years. i feel truly blessed to have them. people who have hurt me, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they are not important. i understood the significance of that through a friend and colleague, who helped me realise that i do not need words from unimportant people to make me feel better. and that is true. whatever school serves up, i think i will take it all on the chin. school, after all, will not be for much longer. and the real test will come when we all join the working world. i find myself looking forward to that. i want to earn my keep, and using the money that i earn, travel around the world and broaden my horizons. all the places that are out of my reach now, i hope to eventually visit them someday. when i am ready, and i believe it will be soon, i wanna settle down, set up my family with terence, and lead my simple life. i've always been easily satisfied, and i don't really ask for alot. life is actually very simple and one will be happier that way. i think i'm happy, and that's all that matters.   

1:53am: bullies, cowards, hypocrites.
more than a year after my previous encounter with an unreasonable person, i now have the misfortune of working with 3 others on a project. such people never cease to amaze me. they kick off the whole saga by sending you rude emails, blasting you for making them do "unnecessary" work, when you never did. they had met up with the supervisor to ensure they were on the right track. the supervisor, being confused about the plans, gave them the wrong information. the project manager and her kakis, without even verifying the information, flew off the handle and sent us that poison email. i was surprised that amng the four of them, none was clearheaded enough to pause and think about double-checking before accusing others. even after they realised that they'd made a mistake, there was no apology, nothing. a few more emails came back and forth and culminated in me being accused of being rude in my emails, insinuating that they were not doing their work and that my co-workers were unwilling to provide updates. it is funny how eventually, these are now being retracted, yet again, apologies for the personal attacks in front of the supervisor, portraying me as the villain, did not come. one eventually did, but not voluntarily. i am still waiting for the promise to clarify and clear my name with the supervisor to materialise. 

and just when i thought maybe they were not that despicable and shameless, they proved me wrong by sinking even lower. they then tried to argue that i should not be upset with them because the person i should be upset with is one of my co-workers, who was present when they carried out their attacks. in all fairness, i have to say that i was being bombarded left and right by these 3 aggressive women, who refused to accept any of my explanations nor rebuttals, so i highly doubt that his interference would have made the difference. not even the supervisor, who witnessed the whole incident, spoke up in my defence. i am constantly shocked by how low some of my fellow human kind can sink to, and the behavior of these appalling creatures just disgust me so much i feel nauseous. instead of feeling remorseful for their deplorable behavior, they're now trying to qualify it and worse, push the blame to a relatively innocent party. till now, i am still utterly shocked by the type of behavior i have just witnessed. 

it's hard to piece together some coherent sentences after you've been privy to such horrid human behavior. the only words i can use to describe them are, juvenile, petty, pompous, self-righteous, hypocrites, bullies, cowards, neanderthals, brats of the worst variety, nasty, rude, narrow-minded and presumptuous. i would name more, but unfortunately, my brain still still trying to recover form the impact of such devastating information so forgive me if i seem incoherent and as if i am babbling. 
  
  

1:15am: plagued by an inexplicable restlessness.
maybe it is the quiet of night, when all is silent and still, that makes me feel all alone in this world. yes, daddy and mummy are just sleeping in the next room. as are my brothers in the other. but i feel isolated all the same. i dislike this feeling. i should just go to sleep, but i refuse to just let the day pass like that. i want a few more hours, just some more time. i fight a losing battle every night, giving in to the weakness, eventually accepting my lot. a year or two, not that long a time. but late at night, the distance is insurmountable. i am assailed by this desperate need to have him by my side, holding me, stroking my hair, telling me it's alright. i squeeze my eyes shut tight, trying to convince myself that he is here, lying next to me. but i fail miserably, every single time, and fall into a troubled sleep. yet, come morning, i awake to newfound courage to face the day. and when night falls, the cycle repeats. i am a sucker for punishment. 

and i plod along, lacking the courage to do something final about it. everyone seems to have their grand dreams, or noble aspirations. mine pale in comparison, fading into nothingness. i feel insignificant, like nothing. i want so many things. but will i ever get all of them?

2:51am: ruminating.
dinner last friday was ok, but i was kinda disappointing cos i felt the steamboat stock was abit watered down. nevertheless, i slurped up a whole lot of it. we ate till our tummies fairly burst. after dinner, we drove around frantically trying to find a good spot to catch the fireworks extravaganza. but everywhere was crowded and army personnel, policemen, and even the auxiliary policemen from cisco were out in full force. we couldn't park at the side of the road near Padang as planned cos the traffic police were all over and signalled to us that we couldn't. we ended up in this little side road near One Marina Boulevard, which is near the new Marina Bay Financial Centre. we parked the car and walked a short distance to the main road, which is directly opposite the floating platform and Marina Bay. the pyrotechnics were spectacular, as always, but somehow, it didn't move me as much this time. we managed to get out of the jam right after the fireworks ended and adjourned to Simpang Bedok for prata cos i was craving for it. terence was pretty amazed that i could still eat considering we'd just had a heavy dinner not 2 hours ago. haha. the truth is, i can eat ALOT. one bomb prata is nothing. he ordered a cheese prata, but gave up halfway thru. i suppose i had a slight advantage cos my prata is smaller. but still, i'm actually a BIG eater. i used to be really chubby. even though i'm considered to be of "normal" weight now, i'm still plump with just a tad too many fatty bits around my midriff. *sigh* i wonder if i'll ever shake them off. *bleah* but food has always been my weakness. already, i'm craving for ramen. been reading some food reviews and i think i shall go try out the one at The Gallery Hotel, called Sapporo Ramen Miharu this week if possible. yum! 

i need to exercise. i need to exercise. i need to exercise. argh! 

1:57am: in a shopping frenzy!

oops, my last update was like 11 weeks ago. *sheepish* ok, so now a mega entry coming up!

often, when the mood seizes me, i tend to go overboard with the frenetic spending. in just a day, i've spent approximately $120. yikes! a pair of heels and flats each, plus a top and dress, all in a day. and i'd just bought a new bag last saturday! *omg* i am still trying to come to terms with my indiscriminate spending. so much for promising to spend money. ok, i shall stop for the time being. at least for the next 4 weeks or so. or i will be so broke. i need to save up for terence's anniversary gift, plus my bank account badly needs some fattening up. *sigh* i am an incurable shoppaholic. i shall have to be disciplined from now on. *determined*

today i met some really annoying people. i was heading to the Finance Department at the Admin block to settle my annual/miscellaneous fees which are not covered under my CPF tuition loan scheme and waiting for the lift to get to the 13th floor. it was quite a long wait considering there aren't many people there at that time, plus there were several lifts. when the lift finally arrived and the door opened, this guy said, "shit!" instantly, the thought that they must have pressed all the buttons in the lift flashed across my mind. true enough, when i stepped in, they'd pressed the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th floor buttons. bah! i was thoroughly annoyed. i mean, these people, 3 of them, a guy and 2 females, look like students of the school, and surely must be at least 19 years old or above. why're they still so damn juvenile??? and i wasted time stopping on all 4 floors before getting to the 13th. argh! i seriously entertained the thought of reporting them to the security guard when i saw them still hanging around when i was done. but then again, what could the security guard have done anyway? argh! such people are just so CHILDISH and INCONSIDERATE! *grr*

there's this really yummy steamboat at Liang Seah St, called Ting Yuan. been there twice before, and i've always enjoyed their yummy soup and "me-friendly" steamboat items. but somehow, neither terence nor my parents like it very much. *sigh* but then, terence has very kindly agreed to accompany me there for dinner tomorrow *yay* so i'm really looking forward to it. as it is, my tummy is already rumbling just at the thought of it. and after dinner, we'll be catching the fireworks at Marina Bay. hopefully it won't be too crowded. i missed those on National Day so i'm hoping to catch a good view of the ones tomorrow. wish us luck!   

this is kinda belated, but i MUST rave about the Holiday Inn Resort in Batam. it was wonderful! the room was really clean and cosy. everything looked really new and well-maintained. i think my 3 days and 2 nights there were some of the best in my life. i totally enjoyed myself, indulging in a 2.5hrs spa, A&W waffles and root beer float, cheap and yummy spaghetti and char kway teow, and of course, donuts! i didn't even wanna come back at the end, but well, reality is harsh. frankly, if you ask me, the donuts from J Co were way better than those in Singapore, like Donut Factory and Munchy Donut. my favourite, though, is still the glazed one, despite all the other fancier flavours. mummy'll be heading there with her colleagues next saturday. i've made her promise to bring at least 4 dozens back. hmm. just thinking about it is making me salivate. yikes. i am such a glutton! anyways, i definitely wanna head back to Batam and stay at the Holiday Inn again. 

okies, i'm getting a crick in my neck. shall go sleep now to rest up for my day ahead. nitey everyone! love to all who matter (yes, arzish's phrase is really meaningful!)

11:50am: i want a balloon!

yes, i know i should be updating more often. but i'm lazy. getting just a tad tired of working life already, cos you spend most of the day at work, and when you finally get back home like at 7pm, on a normal day, you feel so tuckered out you just wanna veg out on the sofa. in a few hours, it'll be time to hit the sheets for the next day with the same routine.everyone who hears me whine about that tells me i could never survive working life cos that's how it'll be like. i know. but it doesn't mean i've to like it. i suppose i will adapt. and of course, the other option would be to get a job that is not routine, like most office jobs. i guess it'll depend on how adventurous i'll be when the time comes to find a job. high maintenance doesn't exactly come cheap. 

i am getting excited cos the next class gathering has been set on 16th june. after ping's comment, i decided to just put words into action, and i think the response has been pretty good. plus myself, the attendance is at 13, and awaiting response from 3 others. hopefully they give a positive response soon. *crosses fingers*

the GSS is here. but so far, i haven't felt the urge to join in the fray. everywhere is just too crowded for me. i like to shop in peace and quiet, and not have to queue for ridiculously long times for the fitting room and to pay. it's madness and i think Singapore is seriously getting too crowded. we have nothing better to do than cram into the shopping centres. it's pathetic. *sigh*

12:05pm: in a good place.

please do pardon the lack of updates. somehow, i haven't found the motivation to blog. but it isn't cos i'm unhappy. life's pretty good at this point. interning at Cable & Wireless is a learning experience, cos i get to put what i've learnt in school to good use. i'm involved in the company-wide project to map out the main process for the company and we have the support of the senior management. there's really nothing to complain about. the vibe is chilled and the headcount is not so huge that you feel lost among all the people. i like it here. it's like a cosmopolitan city by itself. you have staff of different nationalities. Singaporeans, Hong Kongers, British, Australian, you name it, they have it. the people are quite relaxed and do not bother you with mundane tasks like photocopying and stuff. and the best of all, the fantastic view of the Singapore skyline. you can see everywhere. Orchard, Kallang, even the hills in the distance. 

my only gripe is probably that the nearest foodcourt is way too crowded everyday. even at 1.30pm. and i'm eating entirely too much. oh yeah, and the fact that the office is a hot and sweaty 20-min walk from City Hall MRT station. *bleh* add to that, the weather is just blazing hot everyday. once i come out from my air-conditioned bedroom every morning, the heat just blasts at you. the toilet feels stuffy and humid. and within minutes of stepping out of the house, i'm sweating. i'm sweating while waiting for the bus to Tampines MRT station, rivulets of sweat run down my neck and back while waiting for the train, and i'm sweating buckets by the time i reach the office. i hate being sticky, and yet, that is a state i'm in everyday when i reach the office, and when i get home. *argh* and the worse thing is, it doesn't get much better in the evenings. it's still sweltering and all the fans in my home, a grand total of 4, have to be deployed to keep all 5/6 of us cool. i think i rather be cold and hot. *sigh*   

lester and shuenyun were out of town in Krabi over the past weekend and i missed having shuenyun around to bitch to when terence annoyed the hell out of me. but she's back, and i'm happy again. it's amazing how alike our boyfriends are. even down to both their fear and dislike of blood. *bleh* we alternate between amusement and annoyance at that. of course, now that they're back, we can continue planning our weekly outings. driving around, catching movies together, playing silly games at The Mind Cafe. i get the feeling that we'll still be out zipping around together even when we're old and doddering. it's an amazing feeling. i feel really blessed that we have them as friends. 

i miss my poly classmates still, though. hopefully someone will organise a gathering again soon!

3:36pm: in a bind.

it's funny how i was rejected twice, first by NCS, and then by PSA. i was starting to panic, worried that i'd end up not being able to complete my SIS internship this summer. so i applied for Cable and Wireless next. just out of curiosity, i decided to apply to Merrill Lynch as well. i didn't expect anything to come out of it, knowing about their selection criteria. and now, i'm stuck in this situation that i'm starting to think was my own fault right from the beginning. CW just offered me the internship on Wednesday, but by then, i was already psyched up about the interview with ML on Saturday. if i accepted the CW offer, the interview with ML would have become redundant. yet, i'm unwilling to give that up. i just need one more day. to attend the ML interview and see how things go, so that i can make a better and more informed choice, so that i won't regret my decision, whatever it will be. i'm hoping that the offer from CW will still stand tomorrow. *sigh*

4:15pm: twice rejected.
i don't think my heart could take it once more. twice, TWICE i've been rejected. first by NCS, and now by PSA. the world is a harsh one. i think i need to get used to this. after all, this is how it's like. there're so many better candidates out there, so why should they pick me? and my GPA isn't very impressive after all. i'm just feeling a tad panicky cos this isn't going the way i planned. i'd wanted to complete my internship this summer, then clear my community service in December. but it looks like i'll have to change my plans and try to clear the majority of my modules just in case there's an opportunity for me to do my internship during the last six months of my school. otherwise, i'll just have to do it next summer. *sigh* i am just hoping that i'll get my application for Cable and Wireless. *crosses fingers* 

reading my past entries on my old blogspot blog, it suddenly occurred to me how much my writing has deteriorated. perhaps my life was way more dramatic then, and i had more to say. or maybe i haven't been reading much beyond the newspapers recently, so my command of english has somehow regressed. whatever it is, this is rather worrying. after the exams, i really should hit the library and catch up on my reading.  

12:12am: i am happy.
another month has passed. 90 months together. i'm still amazed. we had a wonderful day, joking, laughing, bantering. then Lester and Shuen Yun joined us. more laughter and teasing. we spent the day at Vivocity. yes, i should have been mugging for the upcoming exams. but i think i needed the break. every semester at SMU is always hectic and draining. if i don't recharge, i will surely burn out. and over the years, i think i have come to an agreement with myself. i could stay home and mug, or i could go out and have fun. almost always, i chose the latter. i wouldn't do it any other way. i made my choices and i will live with it, lousy GPA included. life is so much more than grades. and i'd rather have lived my life to the fullest, without regrets, than mourn for what could or might have been. i'm quite happy with what i have now. family, terence, a very select few close friends whom i trust. i think that's enough for me. yes, i'm easy to please. life's a bitch. i could hanker after more money, a high-flying career, whatever. it'd never be enough. so why make myself unhappy? a family, parents who love me, a loving and responsible husband, a couple of kids, brothers who'd always make me laugh. i'm contented as it is. as for people in school. i've ceased to be upset by their selfish, "to each his own" antics. they don't matter, because only family, including terence, and the few i choose to call friends, do. and that is enough. i do, however, cherish my polymates. they're that bunch of people who are the antithesis of what university schoolmates stand for. i do believe that the kind of selflessness and sharing spirit, i would never encounter again. that is why, no matter where or when, i always make it a point to attend the gatherings and they aren't nearly enough. that bunch, i'd never forget. and i've never regretted choosing poly over jc. thank you, you all from T01, Class of 2001. 

ok, enough of the sentimental stuff. i need to hit the sheets, cos there's still a last AA class tomorrow, at the unearthly hour of 8.30am. to borrow the phrase from frinn's boyfriend, much love to all those who matter. i'm out.

11:39pm: in a snit.
the most dreaded presentation was over yesterday. i can now breathe easier. but just a bit. cos there's another presentation and a test coming up. i should be studying, but i'm just bumming around, stoning and veg-ing out in front of the lappy and tv. it feels kinda weird, cos i've been so busy the past few weeks that now that i don't have like a huge chunk of work to be finished, i wonder if this is real. the past weekend was particularly hellish. from last thursday till yesterday, i've had to be in school at either 8.30am or 9am. yes, that included saturday AND sunday. and the worst was, sunday was terence's birthday, and i only managed to have dinner with him. from 9am till 6pm, i was in school, swamped with projects. by the time monday came around, i was so exhausted, mentally and physically, i just felt like crying. if it's so bad for me, the slacker and happy-go-lucky one, i can't imagine how my brother would survive the gruelling pace of school life at SMU. he's considering switching courses though he already has a place at NUS FASS. but i'm not gonna recommend SMU, cos i know he wouldn't be able to take it. 

i'm so braindead i've no idea what else to talk about. i need to hit the sheets for some rejuvenation. will be back when i'm recharged.

12:51pm: swamped.
this cold dreary weather is making me rather morose. as usual, the lack of updates is largely due to me being swamped with tons of schoolwork to complete, project deadlines to meet, discussions and meetings to attend. *whew* i'm still catching my breath. 

CNY was filled with lotsa fun, laughter and the requisite sessions of blackjack and mahjong. my poison of choice was blackjack, since i totally suck at mahjong and would probably lose all my angpao money in one sitting. in all, i'd say my luck at cards was pretty good, and i won money at the end of each day, heh. 

first day of CNY was the usual perennial affair of converging at my maternal grandmother's place for mee sua, which are basically noodles that represent longevity. in the evening, we rushed home to prepare for the arrival of my aunts and uncles, their children and their children's children, from my dad's side of the family. this was a boisterous affair, with a yummy steamboat dinner followed by our yearly blackjack session. i suppose my luck got better this year cos i didn't lose any money, unlike in previous years. *cheers*

i spent day two out with terence, at his house earlier in the afternoon when his relatives came over. two things consistent at every of his family's home visits are food and of course, gambling. the older men a.k.a. the uncles, would have their table of mahjong, while the ladies and the younger ones would be gathered around, staking their angpao money on blackjack. my boyfriend, of course, belongs to the "uncles", and it always amuses me to see him there at the mahjong table, the only one below the age of 40 there. yeah, well, i always thought my boyfriend has "ah pek" tendencies. we joined his friends at one of their homes later in the night, and while terence was doing his mahjong thing again, i played taidee with another 2 of his friends, plus the girlfriend of another guy. i got quite good cards, and ended up winning a grand total of $1.60, cos the stakes were really really small, at 10 cents per card leftover. since terence was probably gonna take damn long with mj, i decided to hitch a ride home from one of his friends, who had to send the girlfriend, who lives near me, home anyway. 

day three was largely similar to day two, as i accompanied terence and his family on visits to the homes of his aunt and another uncle, and played the ubiquitous blackjack. along the way, i finally caught Curse of the Golden Flower on dvd at his uncle's house, and hung out with this super super cute cousin of his. CNY was busy with house-hopping and lots of money changing hands because of blackjack winnings and losings. i'm kinda sad that it's all over, and the hectic rat race of school resumes. *sigh*  

11:44am: and now, to enjoy CNY!
yay! the T&D mid-term test is over! that means i can now proceed to enjoy CNY and the term break relatively worry-less. *cheers* but on a sad note, my ixus i has died (rest in peace), and daddy has very kindly offered to sponsor a new cam for me, but the catch is, i can only get it after CNY. *sigh* i'm already feeling crippled without my trusty cam, and i so wanna snap lotsa pictures of my cute little cousin, xinyi, better known as xiaobeibei, and of course, cam-whore with terence. argh.

i'm really looking forward to going visiting with terence, cos he's relatives are definitely way more fun than mine, who're just stodgy and would frown if i so much as whip out one poker card. *makes face* 

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